Voldie's Life
by Mayma Bane
Summary: Voldemort is funnier and more interesting than you thinks.


Funny Harry Potter Stuff

Chapter 1

A Normal Day in Voldy's Life

NG: Hey Voldy! 2 xs

V: You are to call me my lord, Master, or Lord Voldemort.

NG: My Voldy pooh, sweetie boo sweetie moldy Voldy boo!

V: What?

NG: I have a plan, and it will definitely help us catch Harry Potter.

V: Really...and what is this...plan?

NG: Here's Harry Potter, standing up, practicing his magic, whoop-de-doo...then we capture him, on our yacht.

V: We have a yacht? Since when did we have a yacht?

LM: Err...since we had your surprise "we failed once again at catching Harry Potter, but we can still have a break because I don't won't to be all stressed out about something that just can't be fixed unless I finally have the guts to fix it, but I'm such a wimp, I'll invite my death eaters to come pity me as I cry my eyes out, about my failures" party, remember Bellatrix brought the truffles and ice cream.

V: Oh yeah. Hey, Snape, you're in charge of decoration this time.

LM: Oh, and Fenrir you aren't allowed to bring a meat tray. I almost died.

F: Sorry, I thought everyone would enjoy limbs n' organs.

V: Look here is the rules 1. No meat trays from Fenrir, 2. No poisoned ice cream from Snape, 3. No creepy love notes from Bellatrix and 4. No odd looking pineapple slices.

LM: Umm...Snape didn't poison the ice cream. I was trying to poison Bellatrix.

Ng: Mmm... I like cheese.

(Everyone looks at the new guy)

V: Uh-huh... then how about you bring the cold cuts. Any suggestions?

LM: Pastrami and Swiss.

B: Turkey and Pepper jack.

SS: Roast Beef and Havarti.

V: I want pizza. New guy, you're in charge of pizza.

SS: Can we have stuffed crust, the ultimate stuffed crust from Pizza Hut?

All in Unison: Mmm...Stuffed crust.

V: Yep, Dolohov are you writing this down?

D: Yep. Any suggestions on drinks?

V: Fanta- any flavor.

SS: Vanilla Coca Cola.

LM: Butter beer.

F: Blood!

(Everyone glares at Fenrir)

F: fine... butter beer... Can't a werewolf have something?

V: Well we can have diet blood or Hippogriff Heart in that Cannibal sauté' you made for Christmas.

LM: Hmm...If we do have that I think we need less salt in it.

SS: It was way too salty. Like Bella's saltwater garlic bread.

V: Hold on. What's the new guy's name anyway?

NG: Ronald Weasley, sir. Got tired of hanging out with Bushy McBushhair, and Sir Brave-a-lot.

All except for new guy: Ohhhhh.

V: Well anyone you thinks Harry Potter is totally lame is A-okay to me. Wormtail, get him a pumpkin juice.

W: Yes, my lord.

D: Sir, we have to change his name. Maybe something like Roody.

Ron: Oh, expected something intimidating like, Sheldon or Tim.

Everyone except for Ron: Ewww...Muggle names!

D: okay we name him, Red Haired Weasel kid.

V: Hmm... So ReHawk. ReHawk, do you enjoy playing golf with flamingoes and porcupines?

R: Uhh... depends are we drinking pineapple juice from turtle shells?

SS: That's a great idea ReHawk.

A Normal Day in Voldy's Life Part 2

(The Death Eaters are playing golf with flamingoes and porcupines)

V: Hmm...Snape. Choose a put for me.

SS: I recommend a pink African flamingo, they hit well, as well as the smallest porcupine for the best shot.

V: Fine, Wormtail handle the porcupine.

W: But it will-

V: excusez-moi?

W: I don't speak French...

V:Quid? Putavi narraverunt omnia manducantes mortis discere Gallice et Latine. Hoc scelus! Torques ret! Fac dolor pati crucifixus.

W: Snape please translate.

SS: He said "What? I thought I told all of my Death Eaters to learn French and Latin. This is an outrage! Torture him! Make him suffer the pain of being crucified."

V: Hmm ... idiota mi fai star male. Soprattutto Codaliscia. Egli è un pugno nell'occhio per la mia forza d'elite.

W: What?

SS:" Hmm...You idiots make me sick. Especially Wormtail. He is an eyesore to my elite force."

(Bellatrix screams)- It's Potter.

V: oh, guarda chi ha deciso di mandare in crash il partito

H: What?

SS: He ...um ... is experimenting with languages.

H: Oh.

V:Ti ho detto che non pasticcio con voi fino a quando non sembra disperato per la morte e l'accattonaggio.

H: I'll leave if you want me to.

V: Avada Kedavra!

A Normal Day in Voldy's Life Part 3

(Bellatrix is talking to Voldy in his office.

V: Okay, Bellatrix. What did you get me for my birthday?

B: My toenails in a jar, and my hair in a fluffy sweater.

V: Okay… you sit on the far side of the table far from me.

B: But the sweater has love in each stitch.

V: Even more of a reason for you to sit far from me.

( Bellatrix sits on the opposite side of the table. She is writing a letter.)

V: Alright, now that Potter is dead, we can worry about what I am going to do about this house. We need it remodeled into a thousand bedroom mansion, with eight hundred- Bellatrix what are you doing?

B: Sending you a letter…Read it.

(Voldemort opens letter.)

V: "Dear Voldy Pooh, I watched you while you slept, and smelled your robes. You smell like peppermint and pumpkins."

B: …

V: Clearly, we are going to need to set some boundaries. There will be no odd robe sniffing, no weird letters, and no-

(Bellatrix smells Voldemort's hand.)

B: Yes?

V: How about, you return to your seat, and I'll file a restraint order?

B: Huh! I can't be to far from you. Then I can't smell your hand.

V: What! I thought I said no sniffing me.

B: You said I can't sniff your robes, so I can sniff your trousers, shirts, sock, and pocket hankies.

V: Alright, no sniffing anything that is in my possession. Please leave me alone.

B: Oh…Can I take one mismatch sock, or tie, or shoe…

V: (sighs)_ Accio Sock._

B: ( Bellatrix rubs sock on her face)Thanks.

A Normal Day in Voldy's Life Part 4

(Lucius is reading a magazine to Voldemort, and comes across an article about Voldy's fashion sense.)

L:_ "He may be the most powerful wizard, but he doesn't have much fashion sense. His death eaters wear unflattering black robes, and the most hideous masks to match. The Dark Lord wears long, elegant robes, his closet probably full with them. This is so out of style! A closet full of elderly wizarding robes seem so late, I feel I'm out of time just writing about it."_ Hold up, I think we wear wonderful robes, but the boots I wear with them, are a bit clunky. Alright, here's one about cannibals written by Chui Bones. _Over the years many cannibals-_

V: I think some little snitch gave away my make up secrets. Turn Page 85, please.

L: Yep,Elder McDonald. Three page spread in "Silver and Green" of the Slytherin Fashion show, and what you wore. Hold on, I wore the chunky blue ring with snake detail. And Snape did not carry a European handbag; it was that purple and green knapsack with his initials.

V: S.T.S, right?

L:_ His Death Eaters in tow, the fashionable wizard sits in seats 1-18. Lucius, an aristocrat and respected member of society, is wearing a cream suit with an adorable three corner hat. Close friend Severus Snape is wearing a purple handbag, and chunky blue ring with snake detail. Carrows are walking the runway with pink track suits and trendy loafers. Is this the new Dark Wizarding Fashion or are the Carrows being lame?_ My God, a pink track suit. This sucks, I was wearing black robes and a bow not a hat.

V: We are going to have to prank call them, when we have our sleepover tomorrow.

L: Alright , sleepover

Chapter 2

Sleepover

V :Okay since everyone is here , we can start on the fun. The makeovers or pillow fight first?

F: Pillow fight.

L: Makeovers!

SS: Pillow Fight.

D: Err… Makeovers. I already brought my make up kit.

V: Okay, makeovers! Snape , get the nail polish.

SS: We should all have our nails matching. What color do you want it?

V: Pink.

F: Red… or orange.

SS: Hold on , pink?

V: Yes…

SS: Alright, extra decorum?

F: Stars and Hearts.

L: I have a diamond set…

D: I bought glitter.

All but D: Glitter?

V: What type?

D: This clear glitter, that shimmers in the light.

SS: Ooo… can I see?

V: We're all going to wear it.

10 Minutes Later…

(The four slumber party participants are watching a movie, in an abandoned Muggle movie theater.)

SS: Don't go in house , don't go in the house. Oh no , she went in the house.

(All scream)

All: Oh…

V: I thought the monster would be in that room…

All: Yeah…

F: Well, that was a disappointment. Why is she running?

SS: I think …the monster is in the closet, remember? Her mother scared her out of looking under the bed, so the monster hid in the closet.

L: Who's Gale?

D: I think it was the mother.

SS: Nope, it was the gypsy lady…

L: Hmm… She's like Bellatrix.

SS: Really? To me she was like her mother.

( All shiver)

V: We should head home, we can then, tell scary stories.

( All Apparate)

Part 2

( Draco, Severus, Fenrir, Lucius, and Voldemort are sitting around a magical fire, telling a story.)

D: And then, the magical cranberry ate the chicken leg… the chicken's family never knew that cranberries had mouths.

L: What was that? A magical cranberry… someone doesn't need sugar before bed.

F: Well, I did tell you to not to order the extra large ice cream.

V: Okay, who's next?

SS: Me. Once upon a time, a wizard went into Borgin& Burks, and he saw the most horrible thing in his life…

F: Wizards?

D: Harry Potter?

L: Unfashionable shoes?

V: Half Bloods?

SS: No… shampoo.

All except for SS: Huh?

SS: Yeah, shampoo. I mean its shampoo. It's clean and gooey and… and it smells like vanilla…it smells and it smells…and I just don't like shampoo.

V: Don't worry we're all friends here. We can have an intervention. For you and your dislike of shampoo.

SS: okay.

Part 3

V: Today, we are here to discuss Snape's dislike of shampoo. Did everyone write their letter's towards Snape?

Everyone: Yes.

V: Okay, everyone give your letter to the person on the left of you.

Everyone: Huh?

V: Yes, we shall read each others letters.

Everyone: Oh…

V: Draco, you first.

D: Dolohov wrote, "Dear Severus, I do not like your greasy hair. It's gross, and it makes me want to puke. Please wash it with lavender shampoo. I like lavender. Do you like lavender, from a fellow Death Eater, Antonin Dolohov?"

V: Nice, now Dolohov.

Do: Hmm… Can I read mine again? I think he missed the last part about me being allergic to dandruff.

V: Really? Just read the one you have.

Do: Draco wrote, "Dear Severus, I happen to be in your potions class for five years, staring at your greasy locks. I absolutely hate it, and wish you would use the 'Bed, Bath, and Beyond' Gift card I sent you please wash your hair."

SS: You really feel that way, about my disgustingly greasy hair?

D: Yes… Please, wash your gross hair.

SS: I will… I will.

(Everyone cheers)

Part 4

V: Alright, let's see your hair.

(Snape comes out of bathroom, his hair soft and flowing. His does an L'Oreal move with his hair.)

SS: L'Oreal, cuz you're worth it.

V: Wow, it's nice, and smells like vanilla and bubble gum.

SS: Thanks, Draco bought me a salon kit, for all my hair needs.

V: Nice, now how are we going to present you and all of your hair glory?

SS: I have this Las Vegas opening planned. Lucius is lending me his cane, and I wanted to know if I can have your top hat with the pink band.

V: Sure.

10 minutes later…

V: Presenting, the new and fresh-haired Severus Tobias Snape!

Snape: (Whispering) who told you my middle name?

V: People.

(Las Vegas music plays, a can- can line starts; some random fat lady starts to sing.)

RFL: He's Severus, and his hair smells good. It's like vanilla ice cream, is finally understood. Yum, Yum… eat it on up, he smells like vanilla.

V: I thought I planned for the ice cream shop one, but anyway. I decided, I want to stick with this one. Dolohov, is this too much?

RFL: But I … I

V: shush.

Do: I think… it's not enough. Can I see the ice cream shop?

(Bubble gum pops over and over in a cheesy rhythm. Extra Skinny Girl is singing now)

ESG: Pop, pop. What's that smell? Sev's hair… It's fresh and new and blackish- blue. Ice cream and sweets, that's the smell for me, yes ice cream and treats!

SS: I think that was way too much.

ESG: Really… hmm… crazy lady with wild hair, come here.

B: sure.

ESG: Turn to the left, fall backwards in the bean bag, and scream yum.

V: is there a reason for yum?

ESG: Out of presentation and my own amusement, no. Hey, didn't you say we'd have a bake off.

V: Well, okay. Tomorrow is another day.

Chapter 3

V: Welcome to my bake off. As you see, I am wearing a girl's blouse. It is only because the laundry backfired, and Bellatrix offered me her shirt.

L: Why are you wearing a purple shirt?

V: I said why.

L: Yes, but why are you wearing Bellatrix's purple shirt?

V: … I'll be back.

(Voldemort changes into normal robes and sits at the table.)

V: Alright, tell me Pious what did you bring?

P: a pecan log.

V: (wrinkles already invisible nose) Ewww. What's in it?

P: peanut butter, ice cream, chocolate, pecans, and … marshmallows.

V: Why does it smell gross?

P: I burnt it. Sorry, my lord.

V: eh-heh. (Tastes it) Ooo, Yummy. Lucius, what did you bring?

L: My lord, I brought extra deluxe chocolate chip large sized peanut butter and walnut cookies.

V: How many chocolate chips in one cookie?

L: 2,000.

V: Bella, call my dentist. How many cookies?

L: Oh… it's two big cookies.

W: My lord, you are allergic to peanut butter.

V: No I'm not. I'm allergic to peanut chicken, not peanuts.

W: Oh.

V: That's right you silly little rat. Scurry along, and don't touch my cheese.

SS: What a minute. Why do I smell burning apples?

(Everyone sniffs)

V: Oh my badness. Wormtail, my apple crumble is burning. Fix it, Fix it!

SS: I'm allergic to apple.

V: Oh… I do have a homemade acid pops.

Everyone: Ooo… Acid pops.

Draco: I AM NOT GOING TO EAT ACID POPS.

(Everyone looks at Draco, Fenrir starts poking the pecan log.)

F: I think it's alive.

V: Shut up, Fenrir. Of course it's alive.

Draco: I WILL NOT PUT ONE ACID POP INTO MY MOUTH.

V: Eh- heh. (Laughs evilly)

Everyone: (Everyone laughs evilly)

V: ( laughing) SILENCE! Draco, why do hate acid pops?

D: I don't like acid.

V: No one does kid, no one does.


End file.
